[Gnso-epdp-team] For Final Review - Initial Report - deadline Wednesday 21 November at 18.00 UTC

Tue Nov 20 23:47:28 UTC 2018

Hi,

Please find below some minor requested edits. Thanks!

- Please ensure the PDF exported for the community has functioning hyperlinks (the links do not work for me in this version)
- Cover page - change 'on' to 'of' (in "Initial Report on the Temporary Specification for gTLD Registration Data Expedited Policy Development Process")
- Cover page - above 'Status of this Document' - add document date
- Header on every page - delete 'Date:' (makes page appear less cluttered)
- Header on every page - change 'EPDP on the Temporary Specification Initial Report' to 'EPDP Team Initial Report' (makes page appear less cluttered)
- Page 3, footnote 3 - text should be black not grey (consistency)
- Page 4, line 85, change 'comment' to 'comments' (make plural)
- Page 4, line 86, change 'stakeholder groups' to 'community groups' (we also have GNSO constitutencies, advisory committees, etc. present)
- Page 5, lines 93 to 95, sentence seems incomplete - copy and paste error perhaps? might want to review against earlier drafts
- Page 5, line 118 - insert comma (,) after 'stability'
- Page 6, line 131 - insert comma (,) after 'operationalize'
- Page 6, line 133 - insert comma (,) after 'RRDRP'
- Page 6, line 156, please insert a blank line (improve legibility of document)
- Page 7, line 175 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 7, line 175 - change 'note,' to 'note:' (replace comma with colon)
- Page 8, line 180 - insert comma after 'email'
- Page 8, line 180 - change 'RNH' to 'Registered Name Holder' (increase document legibility for community members who may not read every page)
- Page 8, line 182 - change 'RNH' to 'Registered Name Holder' (increase document legibility for community members who may not read every page)
- Page 8, line 180 - change comma in 'note,' to colon (note:)
- Page 8, line 191 - insert page break so questions appear all on one page
- Page 8, lines 183, 185, 186 - capitalise 'Registrar'
- Page 9, line 202, capitalise 'Registrar' and 'Registry'
- Page 9, line 204 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 9, line 204 - change 'note,' to 'note:' (replace comma with colon)
- Page 10, line 222 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 10, line 222 - change 'note,' to 'note:' (replace comma with colon)
- Page 12, line 225 - change 'registrars and registries / escrow providers' to 'registrars, registries, and/or escrow providers'
- Page 12, line 246 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 12, line 246 - change 'note,' to 'note:' (replace comma with colon)
- Page 15, footnote 11 - insert comma (,) after 'BC'
- Page 16, line 298 - capitalise 'Team' (consistency)
- Page 17, line 331 - insert period (.) at end of sentence
- Page 17, line 342 - change 'ICANN' to 'ICANN Org'
- Page 17, line 343 - capitalise 'Contracted Parties' (consistency)
- Page 17, footnote 13, last sentence - capitalise 'Org'
- Page 18, line 355 - insert page break
- Page 21, line 362 - insert page break
- Page 22, line 404 - insert page break
- Page 24, line 454 - insert semi colon (;) at end of sentence
- Page 24, line 456 - change period (.) to semi colon (;)
- Page 24, line 458 - change period (.) to 'and;'
- Page 25, line 473 - change 'twice' to 'two or more times'
- Page 25, line 475 - insert comma (,) after 'Los Angeles'
- Page 25, line 478 - insert comma (,) after 'materials'
- Page 25, line 479 - change 'and' to 'including' ("SO/ACs including the GNSO’s")
- Page 26, line 531 - delete '(DSIs)' (confusing)
- Page 26, line 535, 536, and 539 - replace 'DSIs' with 'Discussion Summary Indexes' (easier for casual readers to understand the sentences, as this acronym is not used again)
- Page 27, line 554 - lowercase 'Teams'
- Page 28, line 583 - change 'development of consensus' to 'informal development of consensus.'
- Page 29, line 607 - insert line break
- Page 29, line 607 - indent this quote from the charter so it is clearer it is a quote (maybe place in italics as well?)
- Page 30, line 646 - font color is different from other lines
- Page 30, line 666 - capitalise 'Org'
- Page 30, line 667 - insert comma (,) after BC
- Page 31, line 688 - insert comma (,) after 'stability'
- Page 31, line 701 - insert comma (,) after 'operationalize'
- Page 31, line 703 - insert comma after 'RRDRP'
- Page 34, line 811 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 34, line 811 - change 'note,' to 'note:' (replace comma with colon)
- Page 35, line 816 - insert comma after 'email'
- Page 35, line 816 - change 'RNH' to 'Registered Name Holder' (increase document legibility for community members who may not read every page)
- Page 35, line 818 - change 'RNH' to 'Registered Name Holder' (increase document legibility for community members who may not read every page)
- Page 35, line 816 - change comma in 'note,' to colon (note:)
- Page 36, line 861 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 36, line 861 - change 'note,' to 'note:' (replace comma with colon)
- Page 38, line 896 - change comma in 'note,' to colon (note:)
- Page 38, line 896 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 40, line 927 - insert line break after 'Data Elements (Collected and Generated)' (text in italics should be on separate line) and increase table width so there is less white space on the page
- Page 42, line 1007 - insert comma (,) after 'GAC'
- Page 43, line 1025 - insert comma (,) after 'IPC'
- Page 45, footnote 30 - insert comma (,) after 'BC'
- Page 59, line 1608 - 1618 - indent text so it is clearer it is a quote
- Page 69, line 1879 - insert page break
- Page 73, line 1975 - insert text, "If adopted by the GNSO Council, it would then be forwarded to the ICANN Board of Directors for its consideration and, potentially, approval as an ICANN Consensus Policy."
- Page 74, line 1984 - insert 'non-binding' before 'recommendations'
- Page 74, line 1995 - is it X or XI?
- Page 77, line 2101 - the IPC is a constituency of the CSG, not a stakeholder group
- Page 77, line 2117 - the NCSG is a stakeholder group not a constituency.
- Page 79, line 2184-2185 - formatting error - please fix '"Error!2185 Hyperlink reference not valid.."
- Page 81, line 2260 - change 'TEAM' to 'Team'
- Page 82, line 2263 - font color different to others
- Page 83, line 2275 - change 'CBUC' to 'BC' (consistency; we refer to them as the BC throughout this document)
- Page 85, line 2308 - delete blue box (formatting error)
- Formatting from page 86 onwards appears in bad shape - margins appear off
- Page 116, footnote 64 - change text color (consistency)
- Page 118, footnote 65 - change text color (consistency)
- Page 119, footnote 66 - change text color (consistency)
- Page 120, footnote 67 - change text color (consistency)
- Page 121, footnotes 68 and 69 - change text color and size (consistency)
- Page 121, footnotes 70 and 71 - change text color (consistency)

Thank you.

Kind regards,
Ayden Férdeline

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ Original Message ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐
On Tuesday, 20 November 2018 20:46, Marika Konings <marika.konings at icann.org> wrote:

> Dear EPDP Team,
>
> We are pleased to share the proposed Initial Report for publication. Thank you again for attending and constructively contributing to the many hours of meetings over the past few days.
>
> - Redline – https://drive.google.com/a/icann.org/file/d/171jOv42nahKFnPW1WhSE8ckr6K00i4RX/view?usp=sharing
>
> - Clean – https://drive.google.com/a/icann.org/file/d/1OyG6ExIGkemW902jHYF7V88Y8mu-kObk/view?usp=sharing
>
> Note that in the redline version, you will find highlighted in yellow the updates proposed by Thomas for the responsibilities section. He also spotted some inconsistencies in the related tables that have been updated accordingly (as well as the related data elements workbooks sections). Please also note that per Monday’s discussion, the summary has been split out into an Executive Summary and Overview of Preliminary Recommendations.
>
> For your convenience, you will also find attached the clean Word version. However, should you spot any minor issues or show stoppers, please use the line number reference in the pdf version to facilitate locating the language. Minor issues (e.g. grammatical, readability) can be sent to staff off list.
>
> Due to internal ICANN processing times and deadlines we require feedback by 1800 UTC, tomorrow, 21 November. If you need additional time (not more than two hours), you must notify us before the 1800 cut off.
>
> Best regards,
>
> Caitlin, Berry and Marika
>
> Marika Konings
>
> Vice President, Policy Development Support – GNSO, Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN)
>
> Email: marika.konings at icann.org
>
> Follow the GNSO via Twitter @ICANN_GNSO
>
> Find out more about the GNSO by taking our [interactive courses](https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__learn.icann.org_courses_gnso&d=DwMGaQ&c=FmY1u3PJp6wrcrwll3mSVzgfkbPSS6sJms7xcl4I5cM&r=7_PQAir-9nJQ2uB2cWiTDDDo5Hfy5HL9rSTe65iXLVM&m=5DXgId95wrCsHi--pxTiJD7bMB9r-T5ytCn7od3CF2Q&s=Cg5uQf0yAfw-qlFZ0WNBfsLmmtBNUiH0SuI6Vg-gXBQ&e=) and visiting the [GNSO Newcomer pages](https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__gnso.icann.org_sites_gnso.icann.org_files_gnso_presentations_policy-2Defforts.htm-23newcomers&d=DwMGaQ&c=FmY1u3PJp6wrcrwll3mSVzgfkbPSS6sJms7xcl4I5cM&r=7_PQAir-9nJQ2uB2cWiTDDDo5Hfy5HL9rSTe65iXLVM&m=5DXgId95wrCsHi--pxTiJD7bMB9r-T5ytCn7od3CF2Q&s=tT-E2RoAucUb3pfL9zmlbRdq1sytaEf765KOEkBVCjk&e=).
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